Effects of Motherhood, good and bad.

Being a Mother is the most rewarding yet hardest thing to do, I swear. One night I went with my husband to the grocery store, as I walked the aisle he was picking out things for himself and asking me if I wanted this or that and me, well I walked the aisle I felt at the time with no purpose like what was I doing there, I just felt I had no reason to be there anymore.

My heart is broke into a million pieces and my mind was wondering. So as we're going along I am totally thinking I hate being there and I don't want any food. See years before I would go to the store with 6 kids in tow and keeping them in line. I taught my children how to behave in a store and I never had trouble with them being out with me. I realized that night that when they were young I had a purpose to go to store, because I had to feed my babies, they depended on me. Matter a fact I had a reason to do everything I did, I did it for them.

I am now 41 years old and my youngest is 16, next she will be 17. All but her have moved away from home. I guess what I am trying to say is....When my babies were babies I had things to do, places to go and people to see, I had them to take care of, they needed me, they wanted me and I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I know I am still their mother, but with them all gone now which I am proud of them especially the ones who graduated high school, my heart is broke. I feel I am used up and have no purpose in life now. It's so hard for me to go somewhere because I have no reason to go anywhere. Yes, I am taking this very hard because my babies mean the world to me. I miss caring for them, I miss having to get up early to make sure they go to school or the doctors, or those sport events. I miss doing their laundry and cooking for them. I miss helping them with their big science projects or helping with a big test. OMG...my heart is so broke. I feel so lost without them, they are my everything. When they were little I remember and it didn't happen often that I would think I couldn't wait till they got older, because I loved taking care of them but now that the time has come I would give anything for those years back. You would think that me being a young 41 I would be on top of the world because I can still do things and maybe even make something more of me. Instead I sit at home and cry....you know some women aren't meant to be mothers and some are...well I fit that bill with being a mother. That is one job and I don't think it's a job, that I would never give up for anything. Yes I am very emotional, but I can't help that because being a mother is the best in the world. I am trying to be happy and go on with my life, I am trying to find something positive but it's so hard on me because right now I see it as my next steps are grandparenting and dying. That's very scary for me. I swear if I could I would be everyone's parent so that I could stay busy and focused. So for everyone out there who doesn't have parents that think the world of them...I am sorry for that, because if I were your mother you would be so loved and cherished. So starting today and I am really going to try, I want to go on and be happy, I want to make something of myself and feel accomplished....I want to find the positive in all this. To all my kids, I love you more then you know and that being your mother has made me the happiest woman in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Love, Melissa...Mother, Daughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, Aunt, Friend, Wife, Sister in law...ect.