Being Kind....is it worth it?

I don't mean to be so, what's the word....egotistic, but I'm the most kindess person I know. We are raised to be kind to others, taught in school to be kind, to be kind in the work place and just plain being kind to others, no matter who they are, what they do, where your at or who your with and all over the world. Really?

I'm actually at a place in my life where I really hate the word, "Kind". I know you don't know who I am, where I came from, what kind of life I live, what I've been through but if you know me or get to know me, I am very kind. Probably more kind then I should be but it matters to me if I upset someone, hurt ones feelings, say something mean or ask of others for something. I probably take being kind to far and I believe it gets me into trouble, it hurts me, it upset me but what am I supposed to do? Be mean, say mean things, no I can't do that, it's not my nature. I would give the shirt off my back, the last buck to my name, I would even give you the last piece of chocolate cake even though I really wanted it, and I do love chocolate cake!!

Really though, I'm begining to wonder if being kind is worth it. If kind people are treated the way I am treated, then maybe I should rethink this "being kind" word. I really know no other way then to be kind, even if people piss me off, try to hurt me, take advantage of me or use me for their gain. I'm not asking for a Golden Globe or a trophy but why don't I get the respect I deserve that I give others? You will never hear me ask for someone to get me a drink of water, or to fix dinner, I never ask for help, I never ask for a sandwich or can someone get me a towel, but I do all this for others. I am in no way perfect, sometimes I am asked for this or that, ya don't think I don't roll my eyes or think a thought, I just do it. I hear people especially when I break down tell me, It's ok your doing good, don't let others use you, stand up for yourself, don't do it, say something back. Well for me, it's easier said then done. Then what really gets my goat is, if people know I am kind person why do they take advantage of me, why do they put me on a guilt trip, why if I stand up for me I get into trouble. It's like being a rock between to hard places, or I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. The very same people who hurt me but yet tell me stand up for myself, end up being mad at me, guilt me, tell me I'm not the person they knew or know.

I feel like I am supposed to sit in this little square somewhere in the corner, with my head down all scruntched up so no one can see me, because I am not worthy of life, of living, of breathing, being happy or sad, being who I am because I don't please them, or make them feel bad cause they hurt me, like it's all my fault that they are uncomfortable for how they just treated me. I can't tell you how I hate the word "Sorry", it's said so much around here that it doesn't even have meaning to it. I mean I thought when a person said they were sorry, they meant it, they changed what they did or said. I give up everything I have and I go out of my way to please others, well because that's who I am, that's what I do, but yet others don't do that for me. Isn't it said, you treat others like you want to be treated? Ummm...I treat others like I want to be treated, so is it me that's doing wrong or is it others who are doing wrong? Cause I just don't get that saying. How I am treated, is that how your supposed to be treated if your kind? Cause if it is, well then I don't want to be kind anymore. To wake up in the morning crying, to cry during the day and then to end the night with crying, is that how a kind person is supposed to feel and live?

O, I know some of you will say it's my fault that I let others treat me this way and your probably right but you try being me and try having my heart, my thoughts, my God I believe in, it's not so easy as you might think. I believe people who don't care what they say to others or what they do to others without a thought have no heart, no conscience, not saying you don't but I couldn't do that to someone. I'm not saying that I can't be a bitch because I can be, I even think I have a black heart because I've been hurt so much but REALLY...REALLY....people treat kind people like shit and then expect for that person to do you a favor after you just killed their soul? How about a loved one who if you say a wrong word or have a feeling they don't like, they look at you like they could kill you? How would that make you feel? How about someone who talks behind your back and you find out that they are using you, then ask you for something? How about knowing everything about a person that could get them into trouble and yet I don't say word to anyone, but when I ask this person for something once in a while I can't even get them to help me and on top of that they make ME...ME..feel bad for asking anything of them. Wow, I just couldn't do that to someone. I'm tellin' ya, if being kind is going to get me this kind of treatment, I think I would rather be a bitch because then I know I would deserve this! K...that's off my chest and I feel a bit better!