It has taken me a few years to figure out THE WORD to use for how I was feeling and how I feel now. It hit me last night, as I was talking to my oldest daughter while cleaning up the kitchen from the Thanksgiving dinner we had finished earlier that day. When the word came out of my mouth...ABANDONED....I burst into tears.
Let me take you back a ways so you'll understand just a little and why the word abandoned fits my feeling now. As a little girl, I was always teased at school, by the boys especially. They called me terrible ugly names, one stuck with me for life, DOG (and yes they even barked at me..:(.. ) How's that for enjoying school? I grew up with a abusive father, my mom was a heavy drinker and I had a younger brother and a older sister. Why in the world at age 9 I was so worried I wouldn't get married or have children? I remember laying in my sisters arms at night crying because I told her no boys liked me, I'm never going to get married because I'm ugly and if I did get married I'd have ugly kids. She would just let me cry and tell me everything would be ok and that I was not ugly, (bless her soul...she's the one who also stole my credit cards years later for drugs). Anyway, so going through all that and then to top it off ending up in foster homes had some effect on me and how I was going to grow up and live my life. Which would totally surprise a lot of people and a lot of people have told me so. So I am now taking you to my quick adult life at age 18, as I am leading you, remember into the word I choose for my feeling I was trying to find that expressed how I felt a fews back up until Thanksgiving night while talking to my oldest daughter, my baby girl.
I had a dream of being a super model or a court reporter when I grew up but instead I put that aside to get married at age 18. I still can't figure out why I decided to get married so young as I had come out of a life that was not fit for a child living in, but somehow deep in my heart I wanted to have children, I wanted to be the best mom ever and I knew deep down in my heart that everything and anything that I endured as a child, my children would never go through any of that, EVER and that I, MELISSA ANN would break any cycles that followed my family. So, I got pregnant with my first child about 4 months after getting married but lost it, and all these years I had thought God didn't think I was ready for children but that's not the case, it was because of different blood types is why I lost the baby. So I went on but even now I still think about that baby I lost, I love it even though I didn't know it. Years passed and I ended up having three beautiful daughters, and I am not saying that cause I'm their mom, they are beautiful children not just in looks but their heart. Now this might get a little long here but I want to get this out cause this is how I really feel and again why I choose the word...Abandoned.
So, I have these three daughters that I just adore. I remember my first baby and how I didn't let anyone not even my own mother take my baby girl for a week long visit until she was 6months old. I had a great fear of someone taking her and when I finally let go of my baby, I would tell my mom to please roll the window up while stopped so no one could grab her out the window, and make sure if she took her to the store to buckle her in and put her purse around the baby so that way someone who tried taking her had lots of trouble getting her out. My mom thought I was nuts. I remember one time babysitting for a couple of kids that lived with their grandmother as foster children (these kids I also call my own), well one day they had a caseworker over at their house and this lady commented on how my baby didn't seem to have one bruise on her and how clean she was, O I was proud and told that lady, this is my baby and I watch her like a hawk, she smiled. I remember when we visited hubby's grandparents down in Florida for her first Christmas and the baby was almost 1yr and she wasn't minding and he went to paddle her butt, OMG I went off and told him, You don't ever hit my baby. Now thinking about it there was nothing wrong with that but I was an overprotective MOMMY now. I would never let my girls wear dresses cause I always knew it was easy access to some pervert, my kids played and were kids, never cleaning the house, doing dishes, laundry, I cleaned and did all my mommy chores like I was supposed. O don't think my kids didn't clean their room or pick up their toys cause they did, it was only after we started taking in foster children that even then it took years for me to make them do anything housework, I mean come on, I'm a stay at home mom, that's my job, right? Before we moved to California, lots of people told me that everytime they came over that's all they ever saw me do was cooking and cleaning and picking up after kids and that I needed to start making them help out. I thought, no that's my job. I to felt guilty when I did ask them to do something. I never made them until after we moved. We adopted 3 sisters, so I had 6 daughters now. As they grew and became these TWEENS is when I started making sure they all knew how to clean a home and help take care of themself. I think I did very well even though some don't show that they can keep their own house clean, but hey I taught them and now it's their choice how they live and it should not reflect on me as a parent. I was with my birth children from the day they were born until they graduated high school and I was with my adopted children from the time we got them until they left home. I was always there, I always listened to them with an open ear, I mean I was the one they came to about things they didn't want their father knowing about, I was just always there in every way a mom should be even through their terrible teens, which was awful with a few of them. I always supported their dreams and their hopes, I was there when they got their heart broke from some dumb guy who hurt them, I was there for them when they thought they could count on their BEST friend, just from boo boos to boyfriends. I went to all school meetings, hospitals, ERs, volleyball, water polo, you name it I was there. OMG, I wish that I was my own mom and you know even my mother will tell me how proud she is of me and how she wishes she was a mother to me like I am to my kids. She feels awful and cries about how things went down and you know what I tell her? I say, Mom, you did the best you could in the time you were in for back then. I made mom understand that how she grew up and how she got treated was not her fault, just like I tell my children that how I grew up and what happened to me was not my fault, ever. Only difference is I stopped cycles in my family, of child abuse and alcoholism. So there you have it...the PERFECT MOM.
Which takes me to that word ABANDONED. The last few years my children finally grew up and became adults, except one who still lives at home now. It was awful when my first child left home cause then after that it was one right after the other. Now my birth children never left home until they graduated and turned 18, my adopted children had other ideas and left home at 17 and on top of that I took in my nieces and they to quit school and moved out at 17. It was just awful and I kept thinking...."What in the hell as gone wrong and am I a bad mother?" I had to think so because my oldest left when she was 19 which was fine, she graduated high school but in the mean time the other girls just left, they were my adopted kids, were age 17 and my nieces. Ya, I had girls about the same age...at the time they all left there was my 15 yr old, I had 4 17yr olds, an 18, and 2 19yr olds I definitly had my hands full. All these kids were leaving home and for really no good reason and in the end I had just my two birth girls. I feel like I failed as a mother, a adopted mother and no role model for my nieces, I know I did all I could and people have told me it's not my fault that when the kids reach adulthood it's done they decide what they want to do. You know what though? I never and I mean NEVER thought I was ever going to get to that place where MY children would ever want leave home, cause gosh darn it I was there for them with everything and through everything. I've shed many a tear and I mean MANY these past few years and my own birth children told me I did a fabulous job and that I am a great mother, which brings me to tears, but they told me I did nothing wrong and that they love me with all their heart and that what the girls did was wrong in how they treated us. Now I try really hard to be okay with that but then recently I experienced another blow and this time it was from my middle birth daughter.
She lived in another state and found out she was pregnant and then she got married. She called me up crying and saying she couldn't work anymore, it was just to hard on her and she wanted me to be there for her when she gave birth. She talked about moving here with us cause she was getting treated different by her now new inlaws, she thought it was only fair that we had a grandchild living close to us and she miss me o sooooo. I tried talking her into staying there cause the house was paid for and they had jobs. Weeks went by and all she did was call and cry and finally told me they were moving here. I of course was overjoyed and couldn't wait. I rearranged my home and made room for them. I moved them in here and everything was going great and no problems. I got to be there for her when she gave birth to her first baby girl, gosh that was a awesome experience I'll never forget. She came home and things were great, I was spending time with my new grandbaby, feeding her, talking to her, playing her, I bought her some stuff she needed and I helped my daughter and her hubby as much as I could without interferring. Then one day out of the blue she tells me they are going back. It was so fast and I didn't have time to even let it really sink in that she was leaving...again. I cried and cried a few days and it didn't seem like she cared the least. I gave my granddaughter a kiss and told her I loved her and sometime before I had to leave for an appointment that day they were leaving, my daughter came to me and told me she loved me and that she would come to visit and everything would be ok, I listened but it was just to hard for me. I came and went but they were still here and I went to lay down on my bed cause I just couldn't deal with it all. I had fallen asleep and I got woke up to her kissing my check and saying I love you. I just laid there cause my heart was crushed and it was to hard for me to get up and walk outside just to see them drive off. She was mad at me cause I didn't come out to say good bye, I mean and I thought "What the hell?" I mean I know your there for your kids and I know they grow up and leave home, I know stuff happens but once again I NEVER thought I was gonna get to a point where my children would leave me. I know I fooled myself and that's my fault but there was no reason for her to leave this time.
So that word I picked...Abandoned....as I stood in the kitchen last night on Thanksgiving night cleaning up the dishes talking with my oldest daughter about everything, all of a sudden I started crying and I just can't understand where these tears come from out of no where and I told her that I understood that kids grow up but it was different for me, to me but for some reason I felt like I wasn't needed anymore, that my life is used up now, I have no purpose. I think she brought up about me not making a certain food for Thanksgiving that I had always made before when they were kids and that's when I told her I just didn't feel like it anymore, you know I don't have 8 kids pulling on my shirt telling me, Mommy we want this or that and then I started crying again and told her that I know what it is, the word I've been wanting to fit how I felt and she asked me what it was. I burst into tears and told her, Baby girl I feel ABANDONED by you kids. OMG she gave me the most comforting hug you could ever imagine, and I felt better but it's still painful. Now you may not truely understand why I feel abandoned or maybe you do either way, that's how I feel. Going through what I've been through growing up, people leaving you, no one you can count on, always afraid something bad is about to happen. Now I know my children did not abandoned me, it's just a feeling that I have about them leaving home. I know I should move on, cause damn I'm only 41 and I have a full life a head of me. The problem I face today because I was gonna be, come hell or high water a DAMN GOOD MOTHER, is now I don't have any plans or back up plans. I have so much to give to others but no help, no support and I'm thinking if I had waited to get married and have kids and followed my dreams I wouldn't be feeling this way but I guess the freakin past sometimes interfers with your future, but I will figure out a way to make my dreams come true. I do know this, I would go back in time and do it all over again with my kids because we had a freaking great time and my kids got to be kids. Anyway, I know things will be ok but it's been a hell of a hard knock life for me!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Being Kind....is it worth it?
I don't mean to be so, what's the word....egotistic, but I'm the most kindess person I know. We are raised to be kind to others, taught in school to be kind, to be kind in the work place and just plain being kind to others, no matter who they are, what they do, where your at or who your with and all over the world. Really?
I'm actually at a place in my life where I really hate the word, "Kind". I know you don't know who I am, where I came from, what kind of life I live, what I've been through but if you know me or get to know me, I am very kind. Probably more kind then I should be but it matters to me if I upset someone, hurt ones feelings, say something mean or ask of others for something. I probably take being kind to far and I believe it gets me into trouble, it hurts me, it upset me but what am I supposed to do? Be mean, say mean things, no I can't do that, it's not my nature. I would give the shirt off my back, the last buck to my name, I would even give you the last piece of chocolate cake even though I really wanted it, and I do love chocolate cake!!
Really though, I'm begining to wonder if being kind is worth it. If kind people are treated the way I am treated, then maybe I should rethink this "being kind" word. I really know no other way then to be kind, even if people piss me off, try to hurt me, take advantage of me or use me for their gain. I'm not asking for a Golden Globe or a trophy but why don't I get the respect I deserve that I give others? You will never hear me ask for someone to get me a drink of water, or to fix dinner, I never ask for help, I never ask for a sandwich or can someone get me a towel, but I do all this for others. I am in no way perfect, sometimes I am asked for this or that, ya don't think I don't roll my eyes or think a thought, I just do it. I hear people especially when I break down tell me, It's ok your doing good, don't let others use you, stand up for yourself, don't do it, say something back. Well for me, it's easier said then done. Then what really gets my goat is, if people know I am kind person why do they take advantage of me, why do they put me on a guilt trip, why if I stand up for me I get into trouble. It's like being a rock between to hard places, or I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. The very same people who hurt me but yet tell me stand up for myself, end up being mad at me, guilt me, tell me I'm not the person they knew or know.
I feel like I am supposed to sit in this little square somewhere in the corner, with my head down all scruntched up so no one can see me, because I am not worthy of life, of living, of breathing, being happy or sad, being who I am because I don't please them, or make them feel bad cause they hurt me, like it's all my fault that they are uncomfortable for how they just treated me. I can't tell you how I hate the word "Sorry", it's said so much around here that it doesn't even have meaning to it. I mean I thought when a person said they were sorry, they meant it, they changed what they did or said. I give up everything I have and I go out of my way to please others, well because that's who I am, that's what I do, but yet others don't do that for me. Isn't it said, you treat others like you want to be treated? Ummm...I treat others like I want to be treated, so is it me that's doing wrong or is it others who are doing wrong? Cause I just don't get that saying. How I am treated, is that how your supposed to be treated if your kind? Cause if it is, well then I don't want to be kind anymore. To wake up in the morning crying, to cry during the day and then to end the night with crying, is that how a kind person is supposed to feel and live?
O, I know some of you will say it's my fault that I let others treat me this way and your probably right but you try being me and try having my heart, my thoughts, my God I believe in, it's not so easy as you might think. I believe people who don't care what they say to others or what they do to others without a thought have no heart, no conscience, not saying you don't but I couldn't do that to someone. I'm not saying that I can't be a bitch because I can be, I even think I have a black heart because I've been hurt so much but REALLY...REALLY....people treat kind people like shit and then expect for that person to do you a favor after you just killed their soul? How about a loved one who if you say a wrong word or have a feeling they don't like, they look at you like they could kill you? How would that make you feel? How about someone who talks behind your back and you find out that they are using you, then ask you for something? How about knowing everything about a person that could get them into trouble and yet I don't say word to anyone, but when I ask this person for something once in a while I can't even get them to help me and on top of that they make ME...ME..feel bad for asking anything of them. Wow, I just couldn't do that to someone. I'm tellin' ya, if being kind is going to get me this kind of treatment, I think I would rather be a bitch because then I know I would deserve this! K...that's off my chest and I feel a bit better!
I'm actually at a place in my life where I really hate the word, "Kind". I know you don't know who I am, where I came from, what kind of life I live, what I've been through but if you know me or get to know me, I am very kind. Probably more kind then I should be but it matters to me if I upset someone, hurt ones feelings, say something mean or ask of others for something. I probably take being kind to far and I believe it gets me into trouble, it hurts me, it upset me but what am I supposed to do? Be mean, say mean things, no I can't do that, it's not my nature. I would give the shirt off my back, the last buck to my name, I would even give you the last piece of chocolate cake even though I really wanted it, and I do love chocolate cake!!
Really though, I'm begining to wonder if being kind is worth it. If kind people are treated the way I am treated, then maybe I should rethink this "being kind" word. I really know no other way then to be kind, even if people piss me off, try to hurt me, take advantage of me or use me for their gain. I'm not asking for a Golden Globe or a trophy but why don't I get the respect I deserve that I give others? You will never hear me ask for someone to get me a drink of water, or to fix dinner, I never ask for help, I never ask for a sandwich or can someone get me a towel, but I do all this for others. I am in no way perfect, sometimes I am asked for this or that, ya don't think I don't roll my eyes or think a thought, I just do it. I hear people especially when I break down tell me, It's ok your doing good, don't let others use you, stand up for yourself, don't do it, say something back. Well for me, it's easier said then done. Then what really gets my goat is, if people know I am kind person why do they take advantage of me, why do they put me on a guilt trip, why if I stand up for me I get into trouble. It's like being a rock between to hard places, or I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. The very same people who hurt me but yet tell me stand up for myself, end up being mad at me, guilt me, tell me I'm not the person they knew or know.
I feel like I am supposed to sit in this little square somewhere in the corner, with my head down all scruntched up so no one can see me, because I am not worthy of life, of living, of breathing, being happy or sad, being who I am because I don't please them, or make them feel bad cause they hurt me, like it's all my fault that they are uncomfortable for how they just treated me. I can't tell you how I hate the word "Sorry", it's said so much around here that it doesn't even have meaning to it. I mean I thought when a person said they were sorry, they meant it, they changed what they did or said. I give up everything I have and I go out of my way to please others, well because that's who I am, that's what I do, but yet others don't do that for me. Isn't it said, you treat others like you want to be treated? Ummm...I treat others like I want to be treated, so is it me that's doing wrong or is it others who are doing wrong? Cause I just don't get that saying. How I am treated, is that how your supposed to be treated if your kind? Cause if it is, well then I don't want to be kind anymore. To wake up in the morning crying, to cry during the day and then to end the night with crying, is that how a kind person is supposed to feel and live?
O, I know some of you will say it's my fault that I let others treat me this way and your probably right but you try being me and try having my heart, my thoughts, my God I believe in, it's not so easy as you might think. I believe people who don't care what they say to others or what they do to others without a thought have no heart, no conscience, not saying you don't but I couldn't do that to someone. I'm not saying that I can't be a bitch because I can be, I even think I have a black heart because I've been hurt so much but REALLY...REALLY....people treat kind people like shit and then expect for that person to do you a favor after you just killed their soul? How about a loved one who if you say a wrong word or have a feeling they don't like, they look at you like they could kill you? How would that make you feel? How about someone who talks behind your back and you find out that they are using you, then ask you for something? How about knowing everything about a person that could get them into trouble and yet I don't say word to anyone, but when I ask this person for something once in a while I can't even get them to help me and on top of that they make ME...ME..feel bad for asking anything of them. Wow, I just couldn't do that to someone. I'm tellin' ya, if being kind is going to get me this kind of treatment, I think I would rather be a bitch because then I know I would deserve this! K...that's off my chest and I feel a bit better!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Wine bottle painting
Well I was talking to a friend of mine on Twitter...ShoeBeDo..she is awesome and comes up with great ideas. She asked me to paint a wine bottle, I didn't think I could do it really but I did. I thought well I can't just draw a bottle, I added the glass and the grape vines. I think it turned out really well. So thank you, ShoeBeDo for the idea and for having faith in me that I could do it! So as she would say...Drink up and enjoy!!Stick people painting
Haha, this is funny. A friend that I made on Twitter looked at some of my paintings and said that she could only draw stick people, so I got the idea from her. I wanted to show you don't have to be artsy and make beautiful paintings, that even drawing stick people can be beautiful art too! So thank you jchronowski47 for the idea.I came up with what I drew because we are in war and conflict right now. I wanted to put a smile on others faces to let them know to have Peace, Hope and Love always, even through tough times! Enjoy!!
My Seaside painting
This is a painting that I did on a 2x2 wood board and using joint compound, letting it dry to paint on. It's painted for dusk, night and day, using acrylic paints, some blending, and the beach sand part, I used real sand from Pensacola beach! So I called it.."Seaside"
Greener on the other side...really?
So you've heard that saying, "It's not always greener on the other side." Well, I'm not talking about seeing other people, I'm talking about other people's lives. Here's what I learned....
Ok, I started out in a tiny little two bedroom home, always dreamed of having bigger and better and yes I envied those who had things better then me. Well one day a neighbor was selling her house and this house was a big house, a mansion. I looked at it and dreamed about everything I could do with it...I mean I was only 19 at the time. This mansion had 19 rooms, 2 kitchens, dining room, library, 5 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, tv room with walk out balcony, huge basement and a huge attic, huge front porch with gigantic pillars out front, driveway that could hold atleast 20 cars. I was having kids and this place was perfect, I thought. I did what I could, I painted, we added a garage, a pool and a new deck out back, swing set for the kids, all this over time.
It was all great and fine, but after having multiple kids, cause we had foster kids, we did our volunteer work, schooling all along raising all these kids. I never did quite get the place like I dreamed of getting it because I was to busy with my responsibilites. So when we would leave the house and go somewhere, I would look at others homes and I would envy them because they had a SMALL house. I would think, "Wow, if I had a smaller home I could really keep it clean and spend more time with my kids."
Well we soon moved from that home out to California and got a smaller home. I fixed it up and made it nice, it was small like I wanted and I kept it clean too! Some how after being there for a while I ended up getting some house cleaning jobs. I did a few regular homes and did good. During all this time, I still thought about how some had bigger and nicer homes and things. Living in California was like trying to keep up with the Jones. Even my kids wished for bigger and better. No matter what though, I wanted a smaller home but nicer things. Well I landed this great job with a doctor's wife. She lived in a well to do home and right across from a golf club, it was very beautiful. I remember going there and meeting her, she showed me her home and told me all she wanted me to do. Some how though walking through her house, I guess when I was younger I would have really envied her home and all she had, but not this time for some reason. As I worked for months and months went by. A couple of times my youngest daughter would go with me, cause the Mrs. didn't mind. My daughter would say, "O, when I grow up I want a house like this, and I want a house keepers and I want to decorate like she does!" I would tell her, you keep up in school and get a good job and you can have all this. What she didn't know was, what I was thinking. Well after working there for the Mrs. for a couple of years, I got to know her and her family, all she did, had done to home, she always trusted me to be there by myself, never complained about my work and sometimes she would call me to come help her. I got other jobs with doctor's wives and a famous person's and her doctor dad. I got to see how these well to do people lived, were they traveled and how they spent time with their families. They all treated me good and would bring back something for me, OMG they were thinking about me. I treasured every gift they gave me and when they gave me an extra bonus, that was a treat because that meant I could shop and get something nice for my house or my kids. One of those women would call me at Christmas time, just to come wrap all the gifts, cause one time she had some stuff and I guess I wrapped it up really good so she called me every year. Everything they told me, I kept to myself, every time I went there they would even want me to sit with them and chat. I loved working for them and would do it again. But I learned something from them that never crossed my mind before.
That is this...."It's not always greener on the other side." Yep, people may think that others with major things and millions of dollars have it made. There is just no reason to envy them. I mean be happy for them cause they earned what they have and all but I saw things and some things I don't think I could pull off so well. These people have WORRIES more then the average person, I think. These doctors and their wives and this famous person, had jobs they went to everyday, no excuses and with all the lovely things they had, traveling, keeping up with their homes, is just mind blowing. So, in seeing what it is to have everything, well there comes responsibility, the gardners, pool people, the charities they run, parties, housekeepers, car washers, booking agents, decoraters, painting people, window washers, the bills, chefs and the list could go on. So I learned that maybe it was best that I keep dreaming and instead of envying others and wishing I had what they had, that I should enjoy what I have, I don't have to worry about all that stuff they go through. It's a lot on their plate, I think. So today, I enjoy what I have and I know if I want something I can go get it not to envy. It also taught me that what others do for you, you should really appreciate it because the people that are doing stuff for you, you have no clue either what they are going through. That is why I am always considerate of others and if and that's a big IF, I ever get to a point where I make it big or can live like well to do people, I will understand what comes with having it all. I've also learned to treat others with respect because I haven't walked in their shoes. Just be happy with what you have and what you don't have to worry about. So NO..no it's not always greener on the other side!
Ok, I started out in a tiny little two bedroom home, always dreamed of having bigger and better and yes I envied those who had things better then me. Well one day a neighbor was selling her house and this house was a big house, a mansion. I looked at it and dreamed about everything I could do with it...I mean I was only 19 at the time. This mansion had 19 rooms, 2 kitchens, dining room, library, 5 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, tv room with walk out balcony, huge basement and a huge attic, huge front porch with gigantic pillars out front, driveway that could hold atleast 20 cars. I was having kids and this place was perfect, I thought. I did what I could, I painted, we added a garage, a pool and a new deck out back, swing set for the kids, all this over time.
It was all great and fine, but after having multiple kids, cause we had foster kids, we did our volunteer work, schooling all along raising all these kids. I never did quite get the place like I dreamed of getting it because I was to busy with my responsibilites. So when we would leave the house and go somewhere, I would look at others homes and I would envy them because they had a SMALL house. I would think, "Wow, if I had a smaller home I could really keep it clean and spend more time with my kids."
Well we soon moved from that home out to California and got a smaller home. I fixed it up and made it nice, it was small like I wanted and I kept it clean too! Some how after being there for a while I ended up getting some house cleaning jobs. I did a few regular homes and did good. During all this time, I still thought about how some had bigger and nicer homes and things. Living in California was like trying to keep up with the Jones. Even my kids wished for bigger and better. No matter what though, I wanted a smaller home but nicer things. Well I landed this great job with a doctor's wife. She lived in a well to do home and right across from a golf club, it was very beautiful. I remember going there and meeting her, she showed me her home and told me all she wanted me to do. Some how though walking through her house, I guess when I was younger I would have really envied her home and all she had, but not this time for some reason. As I worked for months and months went by. A couple of times my youngest daughter would go with me, cause the Mrs. didn't mind. My daughter would say, "O, when I grow up I want a house like this, and I want a house keepers and I want to decorate like she does!" I would tell her, you keep up in school and get a good job and you can have all this. What she didn't know was, what I was thinking. Well after working there for the Mrs. for a couple of years, I got to know her and her family, all she did, had done to home, she always trusted me to be there by myself, never complained about my work and sometimes she would call me to come help her. I got other jobs with doctor's wives and a famous person's and her doctor dad. I got to see how these well to do people lived, were they traveled and how they spent time with their families. They all treated me good and would bring back something for me, OMG they were thinking about me. I treasured every gift they gave me and when they gave me an extra bonus, that was a treat because that meant I could shop and get something nice for my house or my kids. One of those women would call me at Christmas time, just to come wrap all the gifts, cause one time she had some stuff and I guess I wrapped it up really good so she called me every year. Everything they told me, I kept to myself, every time I went there they would even want me to sit with them and chat. I loved working for them and would do it again. But I learned something from them that never crossed my mind before.
That is this...."It's not always greener on the other side." Yep, people may think that others with major things and millions of dollars have it made. There is just no reason to envy them. I mean be happy for them cause they earned what they have and all but I saw things and some things I don't think I could pull off so well. These people have WORRIES more then the average person, I think. These doctors and their wives and this famous person, had jobs they went to everyday, no excuses and with all the lovely things they had, traveling, keeping up with their homes, is just mind blowing. So, in seeing what it is to have everything, well there comes responsibility, the gardners, pool people, the charities they run, parties, housekeepers, car washers, booking agents, decoraters, painting people, window washers, the bills, chefs and the list could go on. So I learned that maybe it was best that I keep dreaming and instead of envying others and wishing I had what they had, that I should enjoy what I have, I don't have to worry about all that stuff they go through. It's a lot on their plate, I think. So today, I enjoy what I have and I know if I want something I can go get it not to envy. It also taught me that what others do for you, you should really appreciate it because the people that are doing stuff for you, you have no clue either what they are going through. That is why I am always considerate of others and if and that's a big IF, I ever get to a point where I make it big or can live like well to do people, I will understand what comes with having it all. I've also learned to treat others with respect because I haven't walked in their shoes. Just be happy with what you have and what you don't have to worry about. So NO..no it's not always greener on the other side!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The 80's rocked!!
Wow, I just loved growing up in the 80's! One morning I got up to take my daughter to school, and as usual she turned the radio on to listen to her favorite tunes. She finally turned the dial on 107.3(CC,Texas)...which is 80's music. I just can't help it, when I hear a song from that time all these memories come flooding over me. "She's a maniac, She works hard for her money, I wear my sunglasses at night, amoung others!
In the earlier 80's I was just a teenager trying to find where I fit in. I was usually a follower. I got my first boyfriend at 14 and grew up in a lot of foster homes. No matter what though I listened to those songs, they meant something to me. It's so retarded but those songs were perfect if you had a boyfriend or girlfriend....some songs just seemed to say something about the relationship you were in. There was smoking weed, going to the movies, going to the pool hall, walking the main street with your guy, hanging with your friends anyplace you could find, even driving with teen strangers but you knew you could trust them, sneaking out at night to get drunk and having to go to school the next day even though you didn't make it until last period...but hey..you made it!!!
When I hear a song I can remember having this boyfriend(hubby now), and I had his coat...I remember going to bed with it on and smelling his cologne on it....or laying there crying because this certain song reminded me of him. I know it's corney but that was thing back then. I hear a song now, I can see myself and what I was doing at the time or what boyfriend I had back then, which I only had 6, well 3 were just one dayers...haha, I went out with one time, 1 I really had a crush on and thought he was my everything...(CHEATER) and then the one I actually married (23yr marriage)!!! Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to the 80's and really enjoy it while I was there, but that time came and went to fast. So I guess it's good we all have memories of our past whether good or bad, but I choose to remember the good like I'm sure you do to. It's just really nice though even though we live in 2009 and we can still turn the radio on and it can take us back in time that we had the most fun!! Rock on 80's!!!
In the earlier 80's I was just a teenager trying to find where I fit in. I was usually a follower. I got my first boyfriend at 14 and grew up in a lot of foster homes. No matter what though I listened to those songs, they meant something to me. It's so retarded but those songs were perfect if you had a boyfriend or girlfriend....some songs just seemed to say something about the relationship you were in. There was smoking weed, going to the movies, going to the pool hall, walking the main street with your guy, hanging with your friends anyplace you could find, even driving with teen strangers but you knew you could trust them, sneaking out at night to get drunk and having to go to school the next day even though you didn't make it until last period...but hey..you made it!!!
When I hear a song I can remember having this boyfriend(hubby now), and I had his coat...I remember going to bed with it on and smelling his cologne on it....or laying there crying because this certain song reminded me of him. I know it's corney but that was thing back then. I hear a song now, I can see myself and what I was doing at the time or what boyfriend I had back then, which I only had 6, well 3 were just one dayers...haha, I went out with one time, 1 I really had a crush on and thought he was my everything...(CHEATER) and then the one I actually married (23yr marriage)!!! Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to the 80's and really enjoy it while I was there, but that time came and went to fast. So I guess it's good we all have memories of our past whether good or bad, but I choose to remember the good like I'm sure you do to. It's just really nice though even though we live in 2009 and we can still turn the radio on and it can take us back in time that we had the most fun!! Rock on 80's!!!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Things you didn't know about me
1. I am afraid of getting old
2. I am scared of dying
3. I miss my kids being little so I can take care of them
4. I'm a neat freak....have to have things in ORDER
5. I have to have things clean
6. If I eat something and something is in it that shouldn't be I can't finish it...example...hair....fat....something hard...it grosses me out
7. I can't stand any fat on my food or in my mouth...like when I eat a steak or porkchops I go around the whole piece and cut off the edge just in case there is fat on it
8. I can't stand cats
9. I'm afraid of big dogs
10. If I meet someone for the first time...I decide THEN whether or not I like that person
11. I like dark haired men
12. I love a man to have clean finger nails
13. I'm smarter then I let on
14. I love adreneline rushes
15. I'm afraid of running out of food and money
16. I hate window shopping
17. I REALLY hate smoking cigarettes
18. I dream bigger then I live
19. I love doing Jury Duty
20. I've always wanted to join the Armed Forces
21. I'm very competitve with men
22. I love Search and Rescue
23. At times I hate being a woman
24. Sometimes I wish I were a man
25. I wish I could live in Alaska
26. I hate the beach
27. I'm VERY scared of being in water I can't see in....the beach!!
28. I loved being pregnant
29. I hate sand in between my toes
30. I hate being barefoot and stepping in something wet
31. If I could wear high heels everyday I would
32. I don't have a best friend
33. I hate talking on the telephone
34. I love typing
35. I'm Irish-American
36. I hate people who use others
37. I hate ungrateful people
38. I believe in GOD!!
39. I blog A LOT as you can see! haha
Ok ok...I'm done. I'm sure some of you didn't know this about me. There is a ton more and if you have any questions just ask me!! Thanks for reading
2. I am scared of dying
3. I miss my kids being little so I can take care of them
4. I'm a neat freak....have to have things in ORDER
5. I have to have things clean
6. If I eat something and something is in it that shouldn't be I can't finish it...example...hair....fat....something hard...it grosses me out
7. I can't stand any fat on my food or in my mouth...like when I eat a steak or porkchops I go around the whole piece and cut off the edge just in case there is fat on it
8. I can't stand cats
9. I'm afraid of big dogs
10. If I meet someone for the first time...I decide THEN whether or not I like that person
11. I like dark haired men
12. I love a man to have clean finger nails
13. I'm smarter then I let on
14. I love adreneline rushes
15. I'm afraid of running out of food and money
16. I hate window shopping
17. I REALLY hate smoking cigarettes
18. I dream bigger then I live
19. I love doing Jury Duty
20. I've always wanted to join the Armed Forces
21. I'm very competitve with men
22. I love Search and Rescue
23. At times I hate being a woman
24. Sometimes I wish I were a man
25. I wish I could live in Alaska
26. I hate the beach
27. I'm VERY scared of being in water I can't see in....the beach!!
28. I loved being pregnant
29. I hate sand in between my toes
30. I hate being barefoot and stepping in something wet
31. If I could wear high heels everyday I would
32. I don't have a best friend
33. I hate talking on the telephone
34. I love typing
35. I'm Irish-American
36. I hate people who use others
37. I hate ungrateful people
38. I believe in GOD!!
39. I blog A LOT as you can see! haha
Ok ok...I'm done. I'm sure some of you didn't know this about me. There is a ton more and if you have any questions just ask me!! Thanks for reading
Effects of Motherhood, good and bad.
Being a Mother is the most rewarding yet hardest thing to do, I swear. One night I went with my husband to the grocery store, as I walked the aisle he was picking out things for himself and asking me if I wanted this or that and me, well I walked the aisle I felt at the time with no purpose like what was I doing there, I just felt I had no reason to be there anymore.
My heart is broke into a million pieces and my mind was wondering. So as we're going along I am totally thinking I hate being there and I don't want any food. See years before I would go to the store with 6 kids in tow and keeping them in line. I taught my children how to behave in a store and I never had trouble with them being out with me. I realized that night that when they were young I had a purpose to go to store, because I had to feed my babies, they depended on me. Matter a fact I had a reason to do everything I did, I did it for them.
I am now 41 years old and my youngest is 16, next she will be 17. All but her have moved away from home. I guess what I am trying to say is....When my babies were babies I had things to do, places to go and people to see, I had them to take care of, they needed me, they wanted me and I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I know I am still their mother, but with them all gone now which I am proud of them especially the ones who graduated high school, my heart is broke. I feel I am used up and have no purpose in life now. It's so hard for me to go somewhere because I have no reason to go anywhere. Yes, I am taking this very hard because my babies mean the world to me. I miss caring for them, I miss having to get up early to make sure they go to school or the doctors, or those sport events. I miss doing their laundry and cooking for them. I miss helping them with their big science projects or helping with a big test. OMG...my heart is so broke. I feel so lost without them, they are my everything. When they were little I remember and it didn't happen often that I would think I couldn't wait till they got older, because I loved taking care of them but now that the time has come I would give anything for those years back. You would think that me being a young 41 I would be on top of the world because I can still do things and maybe even make something more of me. Instead I sit at home and cry....you know some women aren't meant to be mothers and some are...well I fit that bill with being a mother. That is one job and I don't think it's a job, that I would never give up for anything. Yes I am very emotional, but I can't help that because being a mother is the best in the world. I am trying to be happy and go on with my life, I am trying to find something positive but it's so hard on me because right now I see it as my next steps are grandparenting and dying. That's very scary for me. I swear if I could I would be everyone's parent so that I could stay busy and focused. So for everyone out there who doesn't have parents that think the world of them...I am sorry for that, because if I were your mother you would be so loved and cherished. So starting today and I am really going to try, I want to go on and be happy, I want to make something of myself and feel accomplished....I want to find the positive in all this. To all my kids, I love you more then you know and that being your mother has made me the happiest woman in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Love, Melissa...Mother, Daughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, Aunt, Friend, Wife, Sister in law...ect.
My heart is broke into a million pieces and my mind was wondering. So as we're going along I am totally thinking I hate being there and I don't want any food. See years before I would go to the store with 6 kids in tow and keeping them in line. I taught my children how to behave in a store and I never had trouble with them being out with me. I realized that night that when they were young I had a purpose to go to store, because I had to feed my babies, they depended on me. Matter a fact I had a reason to do everything I did, I did it for them.
I am now 41 years old and my youngest is 16, next she will be 17. All but her have moved away from home. I guess what I am trying to say is....When my babies were babies I had things to do, places to go and people to see, I had them to take care of, they needed me, they wanted me and I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I know I am still their mother, but with them all gone now which I am proud of them especially the ones who graduated high school, my heart is broke. I feel I am used up and have no purpose in life now. It's so hard for me to go somewhere because I have no reason to go anywhere. Yes, I am taking this very hard because my babies mean the world to me. I miss caring for them, I miss having to get up early to make sure they go to school or the doctors, or those sport events. I miss doing their laundry and cooking for them. I miss helping them with their big science projects or helping with a big test. OMG...my heart is so broke. I feel so lost without them, they are my everything. When they were little I remember and it didn't happen often that I would think I couldn't wait till they got older, because I loved taking care of them but now that the time has come I would give anything for those years back. You would think that me being a young 41 I would be on top of the world because I can still do things and maybe even make something more of me. Instead I sit at home and cry....you know some women aren't meant to be mothers and some are...well I fit that bill with being a mother. That is one job and I don't think it's a job, that I would never give up for anything. Yes I am very emotional, but I can't help that because being a mother is the best in the world. I am trying to be happy and go on with my life, I am trying to find something positive but it's so hard on me because right now I see it as my next steps are grandparenting and dying. That's very scary for me. I swear if I could I would be everyone's parent so that I could stay busy and focused. So for everyone out there who doesn't have parents that think the world of them...I am sorry for that, because if I were your mother you would be so loved and cherished. So starting today and I am really going to try, I want to go on and be happy, I want to make something of myself and feel accomplished....I want to find the positive in all this. To all my kids, I love you more then you know and that being your mother has made me the happiest woman in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Love, Melissa...Mother, Daughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, Aunt, Friend, Wife, Sister in law...ect.
What my title means....:)
Well first off, WELCOME!! This is my first (real) blog and thinking of a title was difficult. However, I love watching those shows The Real Housewives of OC, NY and NJ....sorry but Atlanta was not doing anything for me. Well the title of these shows just doesn't match REAL. See no REAL housewife lives their kinda lifestyle, really....come on! I personally think it's crap that just because these ladies in all their glory can be considered REAL. I mean they are and that's how they live...but REAL doesn't get it for me. Why don't they do a show of the real wives...O I see...we don't have the bling? They won't get a good rating if they follow ordinary people...well there would be a benefit to the REAL wives who need money and are struggling...the ones on tv have a career, have the bling and are doing fine. They should pick REAL wives of the county, then everyone can see what REAL wives do. It sure isn't parties that cost thousands, we can or do help others, just not with lots of money and we have friend troubles also. I do know and understand that they are real wives but to me that's not real for every American woman. Personally, I think it would help some wives who need to make some money, I know I could use it. Ummm...maybe once I get some friends in this so called REAL LIFE, I'll see if I can apply for the show. Wow, how interesting that would be huh? Ok, Peace and Love.
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